Me vs. She-Man

me vs.

Intro (Courtesy of Lisa’s Status Message on Chat)

WHAT A MORNING!… Mimi and a Chinese coworker, who is a BEAST, were battling (literally)!!! MIMI WON!!! But the Beast didn’t take it well so she hits Mimi w/ her purse, but of course Mimi didn’t let that go ;) Then the Beast tried to fight ME!!! WTF!!!

OK…. so through the power of “social networking”  – many have been tipped on my mini altercation at school yesterday morning.  Here’s the story, morning glory..


Waking up at 5:30am, 5 times a week is NOT my most favorite thing to do. I am not a morning person (but I think I’ve been coping quite well, if you ask me) …especially at 5:30 in the morning. Nevertheless, I do it on the daily, hit the snooze button a couple times…and be up and out at 6:15ish to catch a taxi….. to catch the greyhound/ bus  that picks up all teachers on the Puxi side of town at 6:30am. Being that I/we are the 2nd pick up of like 8 stops or so, Lisa and I sit in the front row, directly behind the driver. (The driver is MANIC where I fear for my life every other morning if not every , but that’s another story.)

As soon as I plop my butt down, I close my eyes and go for a lil catnap (which makes the ride a bit less scary). Bus goes onward to pick up the other local teachers (myself, Lisa, Charlotte (of New Zealand) and Adam) are the only foreigners on this packed bus — all of which keep to ourselves – ipod / sleep, etc.  As more teachers climb aboard, volume goes higher where they chatter amongst themselves in Mandarin and/or Shanghainese. A bit annoying, but I’ve come to adjust. (And, might I add…. their tone is naturally … a screech!)

As we pull up to the school, the stampede begins — local teachers bum-rush to the front of the bus in the aisle to be the first out. (Think: my previous rants of (lack thereof)  subway etiquette over here – the elbowing, pushing, shoving etc. ..and walking etiquette in general.)  Now, at times, the (manic) driver STEPS on the breaks…which… as Physics prove.. velocity.. and all… the local teachers in the aisle come close to flying through the window! But! This never seems to stop them from doing it EVERY FRICKIN’ MORNING! (insert: headshake)

Next, coming off the bus…as you can imagine.. as myself, Lisa and Charlotte are in the first two rows of the bus– we are stuck and have to make our move to make for exit— because, depending on who’s in the aisle… you may never get out if you just stand there to wait your turn. Now this is of course ridiculous, as since WE are in the first two rows…”order” would dictate us being the first out. But  again, here’s the “ass backwardness” that I speak of here. And still.. noooooooo problem. I’ve dealt with this all year…and it’s never been a huge issue.  However!………..

On This Particular April 29, 2009 Morning….

This renowned She-Man Beast of a woman was trying to get off the bus ….. and she really truly is beastly….Super tall, broad shoulders and just manly built….(She works in the non-International I don’t even know who she is or what she teaches, or care for that matter.)  I was getting up as per usual in my half-awakened state .. put my arm up on the headrest across the aisle for balance… Beast tried to RIP THROUGH (totally NOT exaggerating)  my arm to get out, from behind me. Of course I stiffened up my forearm and used “blocking out tactics”  I learned from my junior high and high school basketball days, standing firm my ground, squaring up and all…as she also tried to booty bump me out of the way …bc shes a Beast and 3 times my size……Apparently she didn’t like that.. I stepped off the bus… still half-asleep…(and I later found out that she had somehow tripped – on her OWN – while stepping down from the bus) …She-Man comes behind me and childishly and stupidly hits me with her purse….Of course…. natural reaction arm pushes her back as to wave off her purse..and surprisingly, I was still very much  cool as a cucumber (I dunno… my blood pressure wasn’t even rising…. probably because it was still just 7:20am!!)… and I recall saying..”What are you doing??!! We are all going to the same place!! You’ll get off a second after me…What is the difference?  All this pushing and pushing… “..sumn sumn..

Meanwhile, I’ve got Lisa on my left  side… mouthing off all sorts of profanities aloud in English. (what a great friend!)  I, myself wasn’t even at all riled up (surprisingly).   I just wanted to get up to my office and get started on my day (plus there was an important game online that I needed to check on). I think I’ve grown immune to crazy beasts or something (except on subways..they still piss me off…) Anyway, we crossed through the school gates… Beast is yelling all sorts in Mandarin….and I’m still half asleep, but recall thinking that she’s a crazy woman… and also managed to hear Charlotte say, “Go Mimi!” (Charlotte and the Beast has history of battling in the Breakfast Line…. Spilling milk, etc. .) Then, as per usual…I went upstairs to the office to boot up my computer…. and as it was a special morning, I typed in …so that I could track down Game 5 of Celtics vs. Bulls, while making my coffee and getting my own breakfast ready. :-) (If you haven’t figure it out, I consciously choose NOT to have breakfast in the school cafeteria as since I don’t like to start off my days ala Milton Bradley’s Battleship Galactica with the locals.)

15 Minutes Later…

Lisa came upstairs to my desk and shouted, “OMG! Everything happened just so fast!  You battled the She-Man earier and won, so now she wants to fight me!! …. The She-Man went into the breakfast cafeteria and announced it to everyone that foreigners are rude. This is China and  that foreigners need to understand…” blah blah blah (Upon hearing this,  I interrupted Lisa and said..ummm sooo she wants to BATTLE EVERY MORNING???!!) But anway, sooooo she went on a crazy rant to Monica (sweet, innocent assistant to the Dean of the International Department)…pointing at Lisa and Charlotte having breakfast… and Monica replied in Mandarin.. “I don’t care.”(insert: LOL!!) Laterrrrrrrrrrrrr…. She-Man Beast went up close and personal to Lisa’s face and went off in Shanghainese blabber…. To which Lisa didn’t understand…and replied in English, “What??! You want to fight me?!”  Next, She-Man’s friend pulled the She-Man away from Lisa….. and lastly… shouted to Lisa in Chinglish: “You…… Stupid!…. Disgusting!”  —– Lisa and Charlotte had full chuckles….

What’s Next?

She-Man Beast “reported” the “3 foreign girls” to the Principal. (What is this, Mean Girls????!!)

I ended up speaking to my Dean about it… to which we both found it to be all sorts of ridiculous.. because ya’ll know what an ANGEL I am. ;-)

Anddddddd now, I/We await our fate…… (which means, they’ll do NOTHING.)

PS. I am FINE. In fact, I get a good, hearty, healthy chuckle over every time I think of how ANGRY She-Man was and how COOOOL CUCUMBER I was…and how riled up Lisa was over this.. LOLLOLOLOLOLOL!

But in all seriousness, ya’ll know how mindful, respectful (insert all good words) I am towards others, especially colleagues and such. I never once, raised an ounce of aggression towards the woMAN at any point during the altercation, even with her whipping her purse at me. In fact, I was quite the opposite – super melloooow. But clearly, I was the victim in this uncalled for attack. Now, as ya’ll ALSO know… I could’ve reacted different…. to which this recap could have included mentions of fisticuffs and headlocks, but nope… I was chillllllllllaxed, trying to get to my C’s game! (I wonder if this had happened later in the day, when I would’ve been more awake, what the outcome would be, hmm…..)

I leave ya’ll with a track I’m VERY proud to say I’ve been a part of… (Plus! Best and Most Memorable #1 Debut Party ever with my Arista heads!!!)  Pop it in and give “Roses” a listen, particularly the chorus. That’s what I have to say about She-Man.  :-P

“Roses” from album, Speakerboxx/The Love Below by Outkast (09.23.03)

. . don’t burn the day. .


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